Well. Ya see. It's like this.
The Mem Sahib was almost taken to A&E. Nearly a nasty accident.
You see. Watching someone picking apples can be very hazardous.
Especially whilst sitting in a wooden "Liner Chair" drinking G&T.
You see. Watching someone picking apples can be very hazardous.
Especially whilst sitting in a wooden "Liner Chair" drinking G&T.
It was Sunday, a nice sunny day. Re-enactments have finished for the season, so it was perfect to catch up with all those odd jobs I have been meaning to do.
So. On with the t-shirt, on with the shorts and out with the open toed flip flops.
Neighbours complained of the suns reflected glare from my white knees.
But I ignored the jibes.
Now. Having had experience sorting out the Blackbirds at the beginning of the season, I thought I was prepared for apple picking.
Clutching my patent apple picking net, it looks a bit like the type small boys use around rock pools. That's because it is. Also a forked hazel stick, supplied by the Guild Master, I proceeded to study the tree laden with apples.
Looking up I stepped forward. Now looking up means you are not looking down.
Clutching my patent apple picking net, it looks a bit like the type small boys use around rock pools. That's because it is. Also a forked hazel stick, supplied by the Guild Master, I proceeded to study the tree laden with apples.
Looking up I stepped forward. Now looking up means you are not looking down.
Fallen apples tend to attract wasps. Because the apples, on the ground, start to ferment when they get damaged, the flesh inside is a little alcoholic.
So wasps become a little 'Tipsy'. OK. I mean pigging pissed!
Disturbed they try to fly. Fail at take off and bounce along the ground until they bounce into something and then lay there, legs in the air, buzzing happily to themselves. Yep. We've all had nights like that!
Or my favourite, the vertical take off , with side slip and ending in an inverted spiral roll into the dust!
Disturbed they try to fly. Fail at take off and bounce along the ground until they bounce into something and then lay there, legs in the air, buzzing happily to themselves. Yep. We've all had nights like that!
Or my favourite, the vertical take off , with side slip and ending in an inverted spiral roll into the dust!
Anyway. Stepping forward I kick an apple with my big toe, which proceeded to attach the apple to my foot and sealing in the wasps which were having a party inside.
Now a Wasp sting on the toe leads to a dance.
It involves hoping around on one foot. Waving a forked stick, apple picking net and chanting; "OW, OW, OW, OW F*****G OW!"
Now the stick and net waving happens without thinking.
It tends to result on hitting the branches of the tree, showering the dancer in apples and Wasps.
Now the stick and net waving happens without thinking.
It tends to result on hitting the branches of the tree, showering the dancer in apples and Wasps.
This results in pissed Wasps attempting to fly up the leg of the shorts and falling down the neck of the t-shirt.
All that is missing are the bells around the ankles, the waving of white handkerchiefs and a bloke with an accordion as I danced around the garden, apple balanced on the toe, attempting to shake off wasps, dodge falling apples and avoid falling in the fish pond.
Don't forget, at the same time, the above chant is heard above roars of laughter from the spectator, in the Liner Chair.
Don't forget, at the same time, the above chant is heard above roars of laughter from the spectator, in the Liner Chair.
The Mem Sahib, whilst taking a draft of the above brew, laughing, choked, tipping over the side table, foot rest and knocking the locking lever for the chair.
The chair chose to fold up, at that moment, trapping The Mem Sahib, like a Venus Fly trap, or Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and causing a conflagration in the underwear department, which I don't think even Miss Brahms could sort out.
Damn near an A&E event!
Ah well. The neighbours gave 5.9's all round to me and The Mem Shaib a creditable set of sixes for the gymnastics.
Damn near an A&E event!
Ah well. The neighbours gave 5.9's all round to me and The Mem Shaib a creditable set of sixes for the gymnastics.
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